Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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