I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
