I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
