pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
