i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
