I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
