My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
