I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
