I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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