If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
