i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Can I color on your dick again?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
