i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
