so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
