Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
and eventually we just all took our pants off
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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