mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
