so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
