In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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