There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
