Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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