I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
