I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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