I'm going to jail i love you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
