I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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