dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
