@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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