It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
