A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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