who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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