Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
