I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you traded sex for a burrito?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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