I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
high people should be assigned attendants
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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