I faked an abortion last night.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
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He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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