One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
