Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
me + whiskey = a bad person
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
