Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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