but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
