Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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