I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
