Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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