It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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