There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just found a bag of teeth...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
