I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Be still, my beating vagina.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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