i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
soo... how was my night?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
