we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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