I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
