Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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