I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
