Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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