I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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