Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
