I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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