i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
