he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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