he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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