dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
